I don't really know how to go about this
I've always seen this fridge, but I've stopped watching it. I used to. Looking at the slow blink on this green light and the the shadows it casts used to be a full-time occupation. I don't know why, but I love it.
It just makes me content. Not satisfied, no joy. I can't really qualify it.
Just watching things be. Still or alive, anything, in it's infinite details.
White walls are not just white.
Maybe I've stopped doing it when I got my answers. These patterns are due to this thing, and the wall is made of these things.
I'm not sure why I stopped. It's not like I watched to find answers. I watched because I wanted to.
Sometimes it scared me and I couldn't stop. I could see human shapes moving in the dark, faces looking back. I took some time to accept the human shapes were my clothes and they didn't move. I would turn on the light, and wonder why the shapes disappeared. At some point I removed the clothes, and I stopped seeing things. Put them back and seen them again. It took multiple days of this to convince myself that the dark and lit pictures were the same.
I think this understanding of how unreliable are human perceptions is one of the most important things in my life. I'm still amazed at how little self-aware some are.
So I saw the green led again, in the ideal obscurity, and decided to watch it.
As I stopped for a second, I immediately went into two iterations of "you need to be up at 8pm tomorrow, please worry". During a second I pondered whether I should worry or try to watch, and decided to watch.
There was washing machine noise in the background, just like 15 years ago. Maybe it's the same machine, although I doubt it would sound the same after that much time of daily use.
My attention went around the scene, not fixating on an object like it used to.
I don't know how much time passed, I never knew. It's kind of like trying to guess the time a dream took to go through. I feel like it was much shorter.
I was silent to myself. This needs to happen more often.
My body makes more noise that remembered it. I guess there's just more of it.
I don't really know how to go about making you feel this.
Computers don't have those infinite details. The screens are blindingly bright, and usually display flat colors. They do cast sweet shadows around them though.
You know, maybe
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Fuck you, 8am. I hate you.
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