Motivation 1/...

Oh wow, a guy online has motivation issues

I'm sure you never read that before

So yeah, I should be doing Rust stuff right now.

I am very much not.

Which is a shame, because when I am doing Rust I usually feel better about basically everything.

I know it makes me feel better, and I like it. So, I should naturally want to do more of the stuff that I like, right?

Not like I'm burnt or anything, I worked about 2h this week. I just look at my screen, start doing a few thing, then wander away on the first rabbit hole I can find. Even if I don't find a rabbit hole I make up one and start roaming in the house. Sport doesn't help, it makes me feel better for about a minute, then back to imaginary action.

OK, it's not Wikipedia that took my day away, it's daydreaming. I got angry at someone saying stupid things confidently, and then I spent the day daydreaming how to change that. The whole fucking day. I think at some point I also daydreamed about finding a girl. This is the worst because it keeps bringing me back to the great un-fun, which I think is a problem, because the trauma is *not* going away with time. Now, today was largely lost to that guy on a conference VOD.

I don't want to stop daydreaming. It's part of me. So I don't really know what I should do. Trying to force myself to focus always end in a full day of: 1mn work | 10mn daydream | 15mn angry against myself, thinking about how I'm ruining my life.

Today I worked 2 hours for money, 10mn for something that I care about. Then it was midnight. Talked to no one, played no game. Listened to a few songs. Ate 3 times.

I have been to many therapies when I was a child, and I am not convinced it will help in any way. I might actually loose more years waiting for someone else to fix me.

I feel everything will disappear when I'll get away from here. I don't plan to get away anytime soon.

I should know why I can't bring myself to try to get away. I don't. It scares me, but I'm not actually scared of anything that might happen. Now I have a weird feeling of intuitive blank. Like, if I remove the the scary part, I'm left with a blank. Is this the mythologic cognitive dissonance? It feels *weird* - not *bad*.

I'm getting tired. I still kinda feel the weird unreal blank, but I also feel like sleeping = good.

My tea is lukewarm, the silence feels light